Thursday, July 24, 2008

random thoughts

I was talking to daughter Marcy today and she was scolding me for not posting very often, well, almost never. I feel compelled to make excuses here.....two teens who love to be on the sole working computer in the house, other people's blogs are so interesting to read, i use all my time up reading other blogs and not maintaining my own, oh, there are probably lots of other excuses too. But mostly, I just pretty much forget I have one........a common affliction among ladies my age. (Hah, another excuse!)
Something I have wanted to write about though is about my birthday on May 15th. I think Marcy and Rosie posted about the "gifts" from God that day - the cutest bunny took up residence in our backyard that day, the sunshine and beauty of that day was amazing, and a mama and papa robin started building a nest in our tree in the front that very day. As many of you know, we have had a nest in that tree only one other time in the 16 years we've lived here. That was the year Kelly lost her hair and kept it in a bag to put outside in the spring so the birds could use it to make their nests. She had read that in a book and thought it was a great idea. She would have been just 7 years old. And what a blessing for that little girl (and all of us), birdies did indeed make a nest in our tree and the strands of blonde hair were clearly visible!! That was so cool - thank you Jesus for making that happen!!
Well, I was overwhelmed that we had another nest and I so enjoyed watching the parents build it and that devoted momma sit on that nest warming her eggs. And this tree doesn't leaf out till late.....poor birdie was really open to the elements and just sat and sat on that nest. what determination. Well, one morning I was watching out the window and heard the proud parents chirping angrily. There was a big crow right on the nest and mom and dad robin were trying their best to chase him away despite the fact he was twice as big as either of them. I bounded out the door and yelled at the crow and saw it fly away with something in its mouth. I was just sickened by the thought it had stolen one of their babies!! My birthday present!!! My blessing and comfort for that day!!!!!! Violated!!!! Later the momma robin flew from the nest with a small black chick and we didn't see them in the tree again. She knew she had to move the remaining baby out of danger. We found a beautiful, broken, blue egg under the tree. Darn blackbird.
Then as God will do, He starts nudging me to set aside the anger, the hurt, the worldly perspective on things. I realized that the gift was still just as precious, just as lovely, no matter how the story ended. A tragedy, yes, a very real part of nature and this fallen world, yes, but no less a gift, no less a reason to celebrate the love and intimate concern my God shows me daily. Focus on the beauty and the sweetness of the gift and not the brevity of it. And what a life lesson for this grieving mom. Kelly was such a sweet gift, such a precious precious child - she and I shared so many special times together. So my wonderful Abba Father ("Daddy"), thank you for the gift of Kelly in my life and all the amazing, hard, fun, times we had together. Thank you for the comfort of knowing you had decided the number of her days on this earth before even one of them came to be. That is such a comfort! To know that no matter what the decisions we made - wrong or right, treatments that were consented to - helpful or not - you had already ordained her lifespan before I ever birthed this sweet babe. That takes the weight of the world off my shoulders and puts it squarely on yours, Father, where you said it belongs, where you promise you want all our burdens to be. I give you my whole life Father, every part of me to your service and to your will. For who could ever care more for me or know what's best for me than the Lord of the universe?
Another lesson learned, another step forward, however minute.
I am sitting in my grief, yet resting in His precious love.
Praising Him,

Sunday, July 6, 2008

only 4 on the fourth

for the 4th this year, we decided to take our first camping trip. Two years ago we camped for the first time at Apgar in West Glacier, Glacier National Park. It was amazing! Kelly, Molly and Rose absolutely loved the lake and had a blast swimming in the sun. campfires were wonderful, the air smelled amazing. It was a dream vacation and sustained us and continues to comfort us with the memory of a "normal" time in our lives.
Usually I love the process of planning each meal and packing all that we need......this year my mind is mush and I could not even begin to plan or care about what we ate or needed to bring. And as I packed, I cried and cried and cried as I left behind Kelly's sleeping bag, left behind one floatie for the lake, packed only four camp chairs, held her mug that held hot cocoa each morning around the campfire. Yet I knew I wanted to go camping. Wanted to get past yet another "first time without her" event.
I am thanking our God for this wonderful trip. the air smelled absolutely heavenly - the pines, the fresh rain, the lake close by - i so long for heaven and what it will smell like, look like - it will be close to what Apgar I'm sure!!!!!! Our girls are just so much fun to be with and they patiently hug me and let me cry whenever I need to. I love you girls. And my husband, so patient, so good to us. He took Rose and I up on Wednesday to secure a spot and then surprised us on Thursday night! He was going to wait to come up with Molly (she had to work Wed. night at the movie theater) on Friday a.m. but came early and we were just so happy to see him! life is so much better whenever he's with us.
swimming was not the same, camping was not quite the same, but it was still good, still relaxing, still felt like such an escape - from the TV, telephone, computer, work, putting up a good face as we walk through these tough days of missing our girl.
Thank you Heavenly Father for your awesome mountains and lakes, for the majesty of the Rockies and the comfort of your creation. It will be okay because you love us. It will be okay because you have a plan to renew this world. It will be okay because of you. Thanks for a great weekend.