Yesterday I went into work for a few hours. The young woman who is filling the position I left at the newspaper in 2006 is going back to work - she's a teacher. After going through a few things that have changed a bit and wondering how I was ever going to retain any of this information with such a foggy brain as I have these days, I felt so overwhelmed I just had to tell her I needed a break. I walked home (only a block and a half) and the tears came as soon as I was out the door.
The last time I was sitting at that desk, I was wondering how Kelly was feeling - she was sick at home for a couple weeks and I didn't stay home with her - just thought it was the flu and a wrenched back - hoped upon hope that was all that it was. The memories of being so excited that it was her senior year - senior pictures, planning for her graduation, watching her be soooooo ready to get out on her own. The memories just flooded me and I was blown away at how the world has turned upside down for us. That was about 1-1/2 years ago when I was at work one day and on a flight to Seattle Children's Hospital with a very very sick girl the next day.
I am constantly having to process what has happened to us. Process the suffering, the dashed hopes that maybe, just maybe the cancer was cured.......processing the incredible pain of missing Kelly, missing her smile, her strong place and presence and function in our family.
I can't imagine how I will be able to retain any information. My amazing bosses are already spoiling me - lattes on Thursdays, insanely flexible hours (except for Monday and Tues - gotta be there for those days and some of Wed.), 4-H pork for all employees, a raise in pay from when I was there before (I told her after she sees how brain dead I am, she may want to revoke that pay raise).
So I am grateful for the job - not anxious to start - I just can't imagine how I will be able to do it. But it's necessary - we would like to make good good progress to being much more solid before we retire (hopefully in about 5-6 years). Would be so good to get student loans paid off and make some progress on the house since we bought it later in life...........through God's grace we will be able to get ahead a bit...........
Today was a bit better. But there will be reminders here as well - last week's paper had relay for life pix and on our website, there was a luminary with Kelly's picture on it - reminders all around me of this amazing girl who touched so many lives. The reminders bring tears usually, or sometimes just a huge shuddering sigh. Not of despair or hopelessness, just of lonesomeness for this waif of a child who I loved loved loved.......
I am writing her letters from time to time. It comforts me to think about being able to communicate to her how much I love her and just that as I go about my daily "stuff" I think of her and so look forward to the day when we can be together again.
Ah, to think that when my time comes to leave this world, who will be there to meet me as I enter my new life? The sweetest smile and a long-awaited hug and kiss. Won't that be the day!! And who better to introduce me to my Lord and Savior than the child whose cancer journey led me to embark on my spiritual journey as a daughter of the King?
Please pray for me as I start back to work on Monday - sooner than I wanted but I am grateful for them holding this job for me through the summer so I could be home with the girls. Please pray for the girls as they await that dreaded day - the first day of school!
love and peace to you all